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The Retail Defense Team: Protecting stores from customers in a mall near you

May 25, 2011 by Harry Friedman

Lease Line Deputies. Perhaps you've seen them. Perhaps you've had one working in your store. They're found in most retail malls, standing in front of their store. Their job? To protect the store from invading customers.

These salespeople who defend the "lease line" or store entrance, can be found standing firm, with their legs spread, arms folded across their chest, a defiant look on their faces, just daring customers to cross the line and come into their store. Bloodstains and dusty chalk-marks outline the location of the last shoppers who attempted to gain entrance to the Lease Line Deputies' domain.

If more than one of these LLDs is on duty at the same time, they're usually seen lined up in formation, barring the entrance and making the store virtually impenetrable. When a persistent shopper tries to gain access, they immediately go to into action. They've been known to deny entrance to anyone eating, drinking, without shoes, with noisy children or seeing-eye-dogs – even if they're carrying fists full of cash, a big smile on their face and that eager "I'm ready to buy the store out" gleam in their eye.

Sometimes, due to diversionary tactics, one of those dastardly customers slips past our brave protectors of the store. Not to fear. For laying in wait is the second line of defense. The dreaded Counter Corpsmen. You may know them, too. They hide behind their sales counters, protecting the valuable merchandise contained therein from invading shoppers. They warn their fellow salespeople of invaders with a shout of "INCOMING!" when they spot a customer sneaking through the front. Their job? To prevent unnecessary looking, touching or fondling of the merchandise. Trying out (or on) their merchandise is strictly verboten. Their forbidding manner prevents customers from asking questions. If a customer does manage to shoot off a question, the Counter Corpsmen has perfected avoiding eye contact and answers in monotone, one-syllable words proven to antagonize any living being. They are the best of their trade. The "clerk de clerks."

The only more trusted members of the Retail Defense Team are those elitist, handpicked special agents...the Register Sheriffs. These senior members of the death squad have the very difficult job of guarding the cash register. All day long, they stand next to the register. All day long, they make sure it stays empty. They see that no one attempts to put money of any kind into it. Not one dollar, nary a penny, not a deutschmark, not even a gift certificate. The never leave the register's side. Approach a customer? Hah! They'd never stoop to such depths. Of course, they probably wouldn't know what to do or say if they had to, but that's another story. Through their years of special training, the Register Sheriffs have developed several extremely clever methods to prevent customers from making a purchase. They've perfected the infamous lines, "Oh my, this register just ran out of tape," and "Sorry, I'm about to go on my break now." And of course, who can forget the Academy Award winning line, "I can't ring up your purchase because the store will be closing in 20 minutes and I have to close out my register." Masters at their craft, the RSs are the last line of defense against those obnoxious wanna-be customers.

The Retail Defense Team. They're what retail is all about. Honor their determination, their fortitude, their courage. And pray that they work...for someone else.

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